Los Angeles Chapter — California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists
Voices — July 2025
President's Message
Akiah Selwa, LMFTLA-CAMFT President
Stay tuned!
Akiah T. R. Selwa, LMFT, is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a great sense of humor, a heart full of hope, and twenty-three years of experience as a psychotherapist. Akiah is the owner of Sunrise Therapy Center (STC) a private practice corporation that services all of California via a telehealth platform. Akiah approaches her work with cultural humility and humor that promotes acceptance, empowerment, spirituality, and creativity. Akiah will complete Somatic Experiencing training in 2025 with Somatic Experiencing International, is a certified SoulCollage® Facilitator (2024), and a currently in a two-year Spiritual Direction program with Stillpoint. When Akiah is not working as a therapist, she is a mixed media artist, having fun with my next crochet project, singing, or exploring nature.
Friday, July 18, 2025 9:00am-11:00am
Online Via Zoom
2 CE Credits
IFS in Tune: Harmonizing Your Inner System for Therapeutic Clarity
with Nydia E. Guity, LCSW
Internal Family Systems (IFS) is, at its core, an internal process. Clinicians need tools not only to support their clients, but also to recognize and navigate their own internal dynamics. IFS offers practical tools to help clinicians reset after sessions, regain balance, and reduce the risk of burnout. This presentation invites you to explore IFS as a way to tune in to your inner emotional landscape – where your thoughts, emotions, and inner parts each carry their own tune and rhythm, much like a personal playlist. You’ll be introduced to key IFS principles, including how Curiosity and Compassion can support emotional resilience. Participants will leave with practical strategies for managing stress, deepening self-understanding, and maintaining therapeutic clarity and flow in both personal and professional contexts.
Educational Goals/Learning Objectives:
To introduce participants to Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy by helping them tune in to the various “tracks” of their inner emotional playlist, guiding them to strengthen the “muscle” of the 8 C’s – Curiosity, Compassion, Clarity, Calm, Confidence, Courage, Creativity, and Connection – ultimately fostering greater self-awareness and emotional harmony.
At the end of this presentation, participants will be able to:
Presenter:
Nydia E. Guity, LCSW (she/her/ella) is a psychotherapist specializing in Internal Family Systems therapy. She completed the Advanced Training Program in IFS in 2024. Proudly identifying as Garifuna and Afro-Indigenous, Nydia was born in the Bronx, New York, and has familial roots in Honduras. Her practice is deeply committed to supporting women of the African diaspora. Additionally, she offers psychedelic integration therapy to facilitate profound personal growth. Outside of therapy, she hosts the Naturally Ever After podcast, where she blends her personal natural hair journey with emotional wellness and growth.
For more information, contact Course Organizer/CE Networking Chair Alexandra Levins-Trail.
Event Details:
For: Licensed Therapists, Associates, Students, & Related Professionals
When: Friday, July 18, 2025 from 9:00am-11:00am
8:30-9:00: Check-In 9:00: Meeting/Presentation Begins 11:00: Meeting/Presentation & Related Announcements End 11:00-11:30: Participant Announcements (optional)
If you are interested in expanding your professional networking, sign up for Participant Announcements when you register. This segment is from 11:00am-11:30am, and is an optional 1/2 hour after the presentation.
After the presentation we will provide you with a link to a simple online test and evaluation questionnaire. When the test questions and the evaluation are completed, you will be provided with an online CE Certificate that can be personalized with your name and license information and either printed or saved on your computer.
Where: Online Via Zoom (Your registration confirmation email will include the Zoom link and instructions for accessing the event. A reminder email will be sent prior to the event.)
Cost: $25 for LA-CAMFT MembersOther CAMFT Chapter Members CSCSW Members $15 for Prelicensed Members Other CAMFT Chapter Prelicensed Members $35 for Non-Members $20 for Prelicensed Non-Members
*Registration closes Thursday, July 17 at 10:00pm.*
(To be sure you receive any information we send prior to the event, please add networkingchair@lacamft.org to your known contacts or safe list and check your bulk, junk or promotions mailboxes for any emails from us about this event.)
Register online today! We look forward to seeing you on Zoom.
CAMFT Approved Continuing Education Provider 59450. LA-CAMFT is approved by the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists to sponsor continuing education for MFTs, LPCCs, and/or LCSWs. LA-CAMFT maintains responsibility for this program/course and its content.
This course meets the qualifications for 2 continuing education credits for MFTs, LPCCs, and/or LCSWs as required by the California Board of Behavioral Sciences.
To receive CE certificate: Participants must sign in/sign out, and must complete an evaluation form upon course completion. For a Course Schedule, please contact Course Organizer at NetworkingChair@LACAMFT.org.
Refund policy: 48-hour notice required for refund of fee minus $5.00 administrative cost. Exceptions can be made for 48-hour notice in cases of emergency. Contact Course Organizer at NetworkingChair@LACAMFT.org.
Accommodations for Special Needs: Contact Course Organizer at NetworkingChair@LACAMFT.org.
Grievances: Program Administrator/CFO manages all grievances—and will acknowledge, investigate and remedy grievances. Response to grievances will be made in writing within 30 days. Contact them at cfo@lacamft.org.
Lynne Azpeitia, LMFTVoices Editor
Getting Paid: Setting The Hourly Rate in Your Private Practice. Is It Time To Set A New Fee?
Is it time for you to reevaluate whether you’re charging the right amount for your psychotherapy services?
With all the talk about money and prices due to the increased costs of goods and services—and inflation—that everyone is experiencing, many therapists are seriously thinking about, wondering, or seriously considering raising the prices for their services. It’s one of the main topics of conversation in professional circles these days.
Since so many therapists are wanting to, thinking of or increasing their rates, they are also concerning themselves with how to balance both the compassionate and business side of providing, growing, and sustaining their private practice clinical services at the same time.
Do you need a better way to set your hourly fee—one based on your values and what you need to earn from your practice in order to thrive financially and emotionally?
If so, here are four very practical articles that can help with that. Each article offers simple strategies and good advice for how to set the therapy rate clients pay so that you are paid what your services are worth—and you don’t burn out meeting with clients.
Some of the helpful things you’ll find in the articles:
Consider these articles as new tools in your Fee-Setting Toolbox:
1. Set Your Hourly Rate in Psychotherapy Private Practice
2. How To Set Fees in Private Practice: 7 Simple Steps for Therapists
3. Setting Fees and Session Rates in Private Practice
4. How to Set Up Your Private Pay Fees and No Show Policies
Whether you decide to increase your prices or not, there will most likely be a thing or two in these articles that will help facilitate your decision and comfort with it.
Lynne Azpeitia, LMFT, AAMFT Approved Supervisor, is in private practice in Santa Monica where she works with Couples and Gifted, Talented, and Creative Adults across the lifespan. Lynne’s been doing business and clinical coaching with mental health professionals for more than 15 years, helping professionals develop even more successful careers and practices. To learn more about her in-person and online services, workshops or monthly no-cost Online Networking & Practice Development Lunch visit www.Gifted-Adults.com or www.LAPracticeDevelopment.com.
Black Therapist Support Group
Second Monday of Every Month
Next Meeting: Monday, July 14, 2025 6:00 pm-7:30 pm (PT)
A safe place for healing, connection, support and building community. In this group, licensed clinicians, associates and students can come together and process experiences of racism (systemic, social, and internalized), discrimination, implicit bias, and micro-aggressions, along with additional experiences that therapists of African descent encounter in the field of mental health. As the late great Maya Angelou once said, “As soon as healing takes place, go out and heal someone else.” May this space, be the support needed to facilitate that journey.
Open to LA-CAMFT Members and Non-Members
For more information, contact the Diversity Committee.
For: Licensed Therapists, Associates, and Students
When: Monday, July 14, 2025, 6:00 pm-7:30 pm (PT) Time of Check-In: 5:50 pm
Where: Online Via Zoom (Upon registration for the presentation, you will receive a confirmation email that includes a link to our Zoom meeting.)
Cost: No charge
*Registration is open and available until the group begins.*
New Records and Higher Heights for the TOC Mentorship Program
Keonna Robinson, LMFT, TOC Mentorship Program Chair
In May, the TOC Mentorship Program Committee gathered again for the year's most anticipated task: Matching Day! With interest forms brimming with hopes and ambitions, our meeting spot in Pasadena buzzed with excitement and (honestly) a little nervousness as the team carefully reviewed each submission.
This year we hit a record-breaking number of mentor and mentee applicants! Not only do we continue to support TOC's across California, we've now stretched outside the state with mentees and mentors from the South and Midwest able to participate in this groundbreaking program. It's truly remarkable to see and feel the incredible impact this program continues to have on Therapists of Color across the country.
Reviewing the interest forms was like diving into a sea of vibrant stories—each one a gem revealing the passion and potential of all involved. The committee and I were so moved by the sheer dedication and enthusiasm on display, making the selection process both challenging and heartwarming.
On June 1st, the fifth mentoring cohort sprang to life, with 98.8% of mentees intentionally paired with a licensed mentor of color. We kicked things off with our virtual orientation hosting over 65 clinicians. We reviewed program highlights, our continued DEI commitment, and mentoring resources to fuel their journey. What a time we had!
Storytime
Someone recently asked me, "Keonna, why do you still do this in addition to the other roles you hold in the field? When will it be enough?" I paused for a second to really soak in what I was being asked. My response slowly crawled up from my core to the back of my throat and I said, "Internally, my mission is clearly defined. To craft relationships that will surpass the mentorship experience, but foster guidance, support, and lasting connections, something we desperately need now more than ever. I have no idea how far I can take this but I'm here for the ride until as many clinicians of color get the tools they need to thrive equitably in this field.
I am fueled by the principle of Ujima meaning collective work and responsibility. It is my duty to make my community's problems, my problems and work collectively to build and solve these issues together." Now, I'm not sure if they were ready for that response, but they caught me on a good day, hahaha!
Despite some not understanding the continued need for mentorship w
ithin communities of color, the TOC Committee is bubbling over with hope and excitement for the incredible paths awaiting our mentors and mentees. So, here's to our selected 2025 mentors and mentees—congratulations on embarking on a journey that is not solely about matching but about building and maintaining the future of our communities of color so that generations to come are positively impacted by therapists who are well supported and nurtured to do this good work!
Stay tuned for more updates from this year's cohort! We have exciting new program merchandise coming soon and lots to share regarding our Fall event.
Keonna Robinson, MA, LMFT
TOC Mentorship Program Chair
TOC Mentorship Webpage
Email: Tocmentorshipprogram@lacamft.org
Images: all images were taken and designed by Keonna Robinson using a personal smartphone device.
Middle Eastern North African (MENA) Therapists Community Group
First Monday of Every Month
Next Meeting: Monday, July 7, 2025 9:30am-10:30am
Free Registration
The MENA Therapists Community Group is a safe place across the Middle Eastern and North African therapist diaspora to build community and a sense of belonging. We hold an inclusive space to process the impact of cultural biases experienced by people of MENA descent and the effect it may have on our work as mental health professionals. Within the process, we will strive to create healing, support, and empowerment. We will collaboratively exchange ideas, experiences and resources while acknowledging cultural differences and shared similarities. As the poet Khalil Gibran states — “The reality of the other person lies not in what he reveals to you, but what he cannot reveal to you.” — our community will create a place to be seen, heard, and understood.
Special Note: MENA Therapists Community Group meetings are intended as a place for MENA-identifying therapists to have a safe place amongst others in the same ethnic and cultural community to share and process their personal and professional experiences. Therapists from similar cultural backgrounds (e.g., South Asian, mixed identities that include MENA, etc.) are also welcome. If you are not MENA-identifying or from a similar cultural background and instead wish to join these meetings for the purpose of learning about the MENA population, we offer consultations separately. You are more than welcome to schedule a one-on-one consultation by emailing us.
Open to LA-CAMFT Members and Non-Members.
For more information, contact the facilitators at mena@lacamft.org.
When: Monday, July 7, 2025 from 9:30am-10:30am
Facilitator(s): Perla and Susan
Guest Article
If The Gold Sneaker Fits, Wear It!
Chellie Campbell, Financial Stress Reduction Expert
You can have a fabulous life! And you don’t have to be rich and famous to have it.
I used to have that big dream: to be a rich and famous movie star.
Luckily, that didn’t pan out. I discovered later that it just cost too much: too much time, energy and money devoted to work and more work. PR, and more PR. Always moving, always striving, never content unless you catch that brass ring. And the one after that!
So when I designed my workshop business, I had different, smaller goals in mind.
Smaller goals mean I have more freedom. I can structure my life so that work is more part-time and I have more time off to read, travel and play. More time for friends and family, hobbies, discovering new ideas and philosophies. Reveling in the world and all its treasures.
I want a business that I run – not one that runs me.
This work model means I work fewer hours as I get more successful, instead of more hours. I like that—how about you? My goals don’t fit everyone. Yours won’t either. There are no one-size-fits-all goals.
When I was acting, I always liked the second lead parts—the funny, dancing lead—better than the leading lady roles. I’d much rather play feisty Ado Annie than lovelorn Laurie in Oklahoma, or perky Gladys in The Pajama Game rather than the romantic love interest.
Once in summer stock, a director wanted to cast me as Wendy in Peter Pan. He sought me out and announced his casting decision to me happily, thinking I’d be delighted since Wendy was a leading role. “Yuck,” I said, “Can’t I do Tiger Lily instead? Wendy’s on stage all the time and doesn’t even have a song, and Tiger Lily has two!”
He was very surprised by that, but thankfully, he let me have my way. I had fun, got a lot of attention, and didn’t have to work too hard. “Ug-a-wug-WAH!” (That’s a line from one of Tiger Lily’s songs.)
The lesson is to know what you want so you can pick the path that will lead you there. Don’t be blinded by the glitter of the wrappings. Look within the box at the real present inside the package. Then decide if that’s what you really want.
It doesn’t matter if everyone else thinks that’s the best goal in the world, if getting it won’t make you happy or fulfilled. And it doesn’t matter if everyone else thinks your goal is crazy, either. Your goal is your goal you don’t have to answer to anyone else about whether it’s the right goal or the best goal. It’s your goal, and that’s all that counts.
To be fair, there is a downside to being small. Some people may discount you, pay you no attention, think you’d be bigger if you could have been, think you’re a failure, and chide you for not honoring the adage “Go big or go home.”
A woman recently said to me, “Not to be a jerk here, but…I found it interesting that you did not own a house but yet you were teaching classes about finance.” Her measure of financial success is real estate holdings. That’s just not my measure – for me, it’s living in a $3 million home in an exclusive area for a tiny rent with a fabulous roommate.
Let the naysayers chide you. Who cares if they don’t understand you? Let them discover for themselves that contentment can be found in small things; that your mom was right when she told you that big presents often come in small packages. It all depends on whether or not you are being true to your inner goals.
Here is the one-question test: Are you happy?
In my elder years now, my goal is to be a Wise Woman. I want to help others find the wisdom within themselves so that they can live a good and honorable life, full of riches—interior ones and exterior ones.
If one of my books becomes a bestseller that will be great, because that will mean I’m helping a lot of people. I’ll make a lot of money, too, and that is certainly a fine thing. But if it is only treasured by a few, it is just as worthwhile to me, because I care about each reader and want to feel I have helped them. The Wealthy Spirit had its time as a bestseller, yet what I treasure most is the thousands of letters of thanks and appreciation from readers that have warmed my heart and brought tears to my eyes. Those letters, and the fun I have with the process of writing, are enough to satisfy me.
In their futurist book, The 500 Year Delta, Watts Wacker and Jim Taylor with Howard Means state that “What society has always treasured is what is scarce. The old status objects are all over the place, begging to be bought. Satisfaction and domestic contentment have rarity, and rarity, as always, has the greatest value.” This book was published in 1997, but I never forgot this passage: “If you want status, walk into a room and announce that, amidst the ambient chaos of our times, you’re a happy person.”
I’ve found that happy people never have to make that declaration. You can see it in their eyes; you can feel the energy of the joy that pours from them. I used to hunger for that and tried the diets and the high heels and the status jobs in order to get it.
But those aren’t the things that get it for you. When you find the work that makes you sing and helps others to sing along with you—that’s where happiness lies. Whatever someone else might say about me or my “success”, I know that I’ve never been happier in my life. I’m living my life the way I want, I’m doing the work I want, and I have enough of the things I want.
You don’t have to be all things to all people. You can be something to some people. I am delighted with the dolphins that have found my work helpful to them. How many of them there are will be the result of grassroots word-of-mouth, not because I have the biggest advertising campaign, the most email pitches or the most viral videos on social media.
Finally, it’s because I love myself now that I can love my life. Because I love myself, I can love you. If accolades come, that’s fun. If I get a little taste of fame, that’s fun, too.
But my life is fun anyway. Do you see?
What do you want? Why do you want it? How is your life without it? What is important to you when night falls?
If the gold tennis shoe fits, wear it. Happily.
Chellie Campbell, Financial Stress Reduction Expert, is the author of bestselling books The Wealthy Spirit, Zero to Zillionaire, and From Worry to Wealthy: A Woman’s Guide to Financial Success Without the Stress. She has been treating Money Disorders like Spending Bulimia and Income Anorexia in her Financial Stress Reduction® Workshops for over 25 years and is still speaking, writing, and teaching workshops—now as Zoom classes and The Wealthy Spirit Group on Facebook—with participants from all over the world. Website: www.chellie.com.
LA-CAMFT Diversity Committee
presents
White Therapists Fighting Racism (WTFR)
Third Sunday of Every Month
Next Meeting: Sunday, July 20, 2025 3:00pm-5:00pm (PT)
The goal of White Therapists Fighting Racism (WTFR) is for white-identified therapists to become effective allies in support of decolonization and racial justice in our clinical practice, therapy association, and community. Recognizing that racism is maintained when whiteness is invisible to white people, WTFR provides a forum for white-identified therapists to explore what it means to be white. While this process includes learning about structural racism and deconstructing the false narrative about race, a primary focus in the group is on doing inner work.
How Do I Join? To join this group, please click here to complete our online submission form. Once submitted, a group facilitator will reach out to you for next steps.
For more information or if you have additional questions, please send all inquiries to the facilitators WTFR@lacamft.org.
When: Sunday, July 20, 2025 from 3:00pm-5:00pm (PT)
Where: Online Via Zoom (Once you complete the online submission process, you will be emailed a monthly Zoom link.)
Facilitator(s): Estelle, Randi, and Hazel
Member Article
How Boundary Trauma Leads to Eating Disorders
Joanna Poppink, LMFT
Many people believe eating disorders are about food, weight, or appearance. In reality, they are often rooted in boundary trauma—both the kind we recognize, like abuse, and the kind we overlook, like overindulgence. Both forms limit a person's ability to recognize and cope with life challenges. This article explores how ignoring a child's individuality and needs through boundary violations can distort a person's sense of self and lead to eating disorders. Healing begins with understanding the deeper causes and learning to restore and protect one's inner limits.
Introduction: Why Do Eating Disorders Begin?
Hundreds of people have asked me why someone develops an eating disorder. While many factors are involved, one critical theme runs through every story I've heard: the relentless violation of boundaries early in life. Eating disorders are not about food—they are about survival. They are responses to a chronic lack of safety, autonomy, and respect.
Understanding Importance of a Boundary: More Than Saying "No"
Think of a traffic light: red for stop, green for go, yellow for caution. Our boundaries function the same way. But when those signals are ignored or overridden—especially in childhood—they stop working altogether. When our internal "lights" are disabled, we lose track of what's safe or dangerous. Chaos, confusion, and emotional collapse often follow.
Total Boundary Invasion: The Core Wound
People who develop eating disorders often endure ongoing invasions of their physical, emotional, psychological, intellectual, and even creative boundaries. With no power to protect themselves, they internalize helplessness, despair, and the belief they are worthless.
Most people recognize physical abuse, sexual assault, and emotional cruelty as traumatic boundary invasions and attacks on the sense of self. But few acknowledge that overindulgence, overgratification, and overprotection can also be harmful. These violations, which give a child a sense of no boundaries, can be psychologically damaging, often without being acknowledged as dangerous.
When "Caring" Crosses a Boundary: The Hidden Harm of Overgiving
When a child is given everything without earning it, or when adults remove every challenge "to help," the child doesn't learn to cope with reality, develop motivation and skills to achieve her goals or appreciate the limits of others. She doesn't learn limits, effort, or empathy. She may grow up expecting the world to adjust to her needs and fall apart when it doesn't.
Similarly, when a child's autonomy is stifled under the guise of safety or caretaking, she loses trust in her instincts. She adapts to please others but cannot define herself. Over time, this results in deep psychological disorientation—fertile ground for an eating disorder to take root.
How It Manifests in Different Eating Disorders
In each case, the individual's relationship with food mirrors their damaged relationship with boundaries. The eating disorder becomes a reenactment of boundary violations, only now self-inflicted.
Damaging Boundary Violations
Not all invasions are dramatic. These may look like love or support:
These acts can teach the child that her needs, preferences, and voice do not matter.
For the older child:
These examples create a void where the child does not recognize her needs, preferences, or voice. She'll run her life on impulse and gratification.
These boundary assaults teach the child to perform or manipulate rather than connect. Her identity fractures. And later, her eating disorder helps her cope.
Psychological Fallout: When Coping Becomes Destruction
Over time, the person may:
As relationships suffer, she grows more isolated. Her eating disorder becomes her most consistent companion—and eventually her most damaging one.
The Paradox of Protection
What once seemed to protect her now can destroy her. The eating disorder numbs pain in the short term but deepens it over time. Numbing pain prevents her from seeing realistic challenges in her life. She doesn't see an opportunity to cope with that reality because she is numb. To lessen her dependence on her eating disorder feels dangerous, because it requires her to experience the very pain the disorder was designed to avoid.
The Turning Point: Choosing Life
Healing begins when the person says, "I've had enough pain. I need something different."
This requires learning new things she's never been taught:
This is hard—but possible.
Real Healing: Learning to Honor Boundaries
With support, she can:
Recovery is more than symptom relief. It's a return to the self that was once silenced or split apart. That early self is immature. With eating disorder numbing in place, the person didn't develop the skills and awareness to grow and cope with challenges in a healthy, realistic way. Recovery is about growing up again, this time without the abuse and boundary invasions.
FAQ: Boundary Trauma and Eating Disorders
What is boundary trauma?
Boundary trauma includes any experience where your physical, emotional, or psychological space is repeatedly crossed, whether through abuse, control, or overindulgence.
How does boundary trauma cause eating disorders?
When someone feels powerless, they may turn to food behaviors—restricting, bingeing, purging—as a form of control or escape from fear, pain, or being overwhelmed by challenges they can't meet.
Can too much love be harmful?
No.
Love is a deep appreciation and respect for the essence of the beloved. Joy and delight are part of appreciating the loved one's development and growing mastery in life. Encouragement, support, stability, and honest communication, taking into consideration the loved one's developmental state, promote the healthy maturation of the child.
It replaces respect. It's a force that overrides the child's capacity to understand and cope. It erodes a child's sense of effort, limits, and reciprocity. This form of "love" can unintentionally damage autonomy and emotional development.
Overindulgence is not love.
Overindulgence gratifies the giver, allowing them to feel powerful and in control. Eventually, overindulgence leads the giver to feel unappreciated and taken advantage of. At the same time, the person on the receiving end becomes entitled, demanding, and full of high expectations, with little effort or ability to achieve what they want through their efforts.
How do I know if boundary trauma affected me?
If you struggle with guilt for saying no, fear limits, feel overwhelmed by others' needs, or use food to manage emotion, boundary trauma may be at the root.
Is recovery possible?
Absolutely. With guidance, you can rebuild your internal compass, learn self-respect, and live without relying on disordered eating for emotional survival.
Recommended Resources
Books
Articles
Websites
Documentaries
Podcasts
Closing Words
Boundary invasion or neglect may have shaped your pain—but establishing healthy boundaries can also shape your healing. If you're struggling, know this: you can learn to protect, love, and trust yourself again. You are worth that journey.
Joanna Poppink, LMFT, psychotherapist, speaker, and author of Healing Your Hungry Heart: Recovering from Your Eating Disorder, is in private practice and specializes in Eating Disorder Recovery for adult women and with an emphasis on building a fulfilling life beyond recovery. She is licensed in California, Florida, Oregon, and Utah. All appointments are virtual. Website: EatingDisorderRecovery.net
How to Co-Parent with Someone You No Longer Trust
Steven Unruh, MDiv, LMFT
When Trust is Broken But Parenting Must Continue
You never imagined this would be your reality — trying to co-parent with someone who betrayed you. Maybe it was infidelity, manipulation, or years of dishonesty. Whatever happened, the trust is gone.
And yet, because you share children, you’re forced to keep interacting. Texts about pickups. Phone calls about schedules. Decisions about school, bedtime, and discipline. You’re trying to keep things stable for your kids while managing an emotional roller coaster behind the scenes.
It’s exhausting. But you’re not alone. And there is a way forward.
The Real Problem: Co-Parenting Without Trust
Co-parenting depends on communication, compromise, and consistency — three things that feel nearly impossible when the other parent has broken your trust. Missed pickups, snide comments, or decisions made behind your back can feel like emotional landmines waiting to go off.
You’re always bracing for the next issue. Every exchange feels like a power struggle. You want to protect your kids, but you’re drained, frustrated, and unsure of how to move forward. You second-guess your choices. You wonder what your children are picking up on. And you feel caught between shielding them and not speaking poorly about their other parent.
It shouldn’t be this difficult. You tried to do the right thing — so why are you still stuck in the tension? Why is someone who broke your trust still part of your daily life, still able to affect your children’s world? It feels unfair. Because it is.
But it doesn’t have to stay this way. Even when trust is broken, there’s a path to more peace.
There’s a Different Way
I’ve helped hundreds of people in high-conflict divorces find clarity, reduce tension, and rebuild a working relationship — not for the sake of the past, but for the sake of their kids and their own peace of mind.
If you’re trying to co-parent with someone you no longer trust, here are five simple but powerful steps you can take.
1. Focus on the Kids — Not the Conflict
When emotions are high, it’s easy to shift the focus toward what’s gone wrong. But successful co-parenting begins with one question: What’s best for the children?
Every decision — from communication to holiday schedules — should be filtered through that lens. Keeping the focus on your children helps reduce unnecessary arguments and gives both parents a common goal, even if trust is gone.
2. Create Clear Boundaries
Boundaries protect you — not just emotionally, but practically.
You don’t have to be close friends. You just need a working system that limits friction.
3. Put Agreements in Writing
When you don’t trust the other person, clarity is your best tool.
Keep parenting plans, schedules, and decisions in writing — even if it’s just through email. This reduces confusion, minimizes “he said, she said,” and gives you something to fall back on when things get murky.
Consistency builds structure. And structure builds peace.
4. Don’t Try to Win — Try to Stabilize
Trying to “win” co-parenting battles usually leads to losing the bigger picture: your kids’ emotional health and your own sanity.
You don’t have to correct every false story, respond to every jab, or prove your point. Not everything needs to be a fight. Sometimes, walking away or letting the small things go gives you more power than engaging ever will.
5. Get Help from a Neutral Guide
When trust is broken, it’s incredibly hard to find common ground without someone helping guide the process.
That’s where I come in. As a divorce mediator, I help parents stop rehashing the past and start working on what matters now. I can help you build a practical, respectful co-parenting plan — even if the other parent is difficult, defensive, or disengaged.
You don’t have to do this alone.
What If They Refuse to Cooperate?
You might be thinking:
And honestly? You might be right. But here’s what I’ve learned: even if the other parent won’t change, you still have power.
You can change your approach. You can change the structure. You can change how much access they have to your energy. And often, when one parent makes steady, healthy changes, the dynamic shifts — even if just a little.
You Deserve Peace — and So Do Your Kids
Co-parenting with someone you don’t trust is painful. But it doesn’t have to stay chaotic. You can create more structure. You can reduce the tension. You can protect your kids — and your own peace of mind.
Steven Unruh, MA, MDiv, is a Divorce Mediator and LMFT. He and his team at Unruh Mediation complete the entire divorce process, including all assets, pensions, properties, alimony and child support—along with all required documentation. Unruh Mediation files in 13 different courthouses throughout Southern California. Website: stevenunruh.com.
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