Guest Article

Why the Parent, Adult, and Child Model Still Matters in Relationships

Kim Scott, LMFT

Wife: Honey, you are driving too close to that car! Slow down!

Husband: Stop telling me what to do! I know how to drive! Damn, you get so hysterical! (He hits the gas and swerves around the car in front of them.)

Wife: I am never going to drive with you again!

Husband: Fine. You drive if you think you are so much better! I’m done chauffeuring you around!

The couple brings this flash temper tantrum into therapy. Each hopes I will side with them.

But instead of taking sides, I invite them to pause.  I ask them to replay the interaction and reflect on what was going on:

• Where were they coming from at that moment?
• What could they have done differently?
• How might the behavior of each have impacted their partner?

There are of course many ways to approach a dynamic like this in couple’s therapy. One of my go-to frameworks is looking at interactions through the lens of Parent, Adult, and Child. This is a core concept from Transactional Analysis developed by Eric Berne in the late 1950s and early 1960s.

Transactional Analysis is based on the idea that we all operate from three internal ego states: the Parent, Adult, and Child. While it is not often emphasized in modern couples therapy, it remains a powerful and accessible way to help couples recognize how they are showing up and how their patterns impact one another.

What I appreciate most about this framework is how quickly it resonates. People tend to recognize these parts within themselves almost immediately. It also pairs beautifully with other approaches to relationship therapy. Whether we are using Gottman, EFT, or Imago, we are often describing the same interactions, just in different language.

The Parent, Adult, and Child model helps us recognize how we are showing up, while these other approaches help us understand what is happening underneath and between us. When we put those together, we create real opportunities for change.

Let’s come back to our couple.

The wife is speaking from her Parent ego state, more specifically her Critical Parent. This part can show up as controlling, correcting, or overly directive. It often carries a tone of urgency or authority, and you might hear words like “should,” “always,” or “never.” While this part is often rooted in care or concern, it can land as criticism or control. It is also important to remember that the Parent can show up in nurturing and supportive ways.

Unlike the wife’s response, the husband’s response comes from the Child ego state, specifically the Rebellious Adapted Child. Just as the Parent has different expressions, so does the Child. The Child can be authentic, playful, curious, and connected, or adapted, which may show up as people-pleasing or rebellious.

In this moment, the husband’s Rebellious Child shows up through defensiveness, dismissiveness, and acting out. He disregards his wife’s concern and reacts impulsively, hitting the gas pedal and speeding past the car in front of him.

And just like that, we have a familiar cycle: Critical Parent meets Rebellious Child.  I imagine this sounds as familiar to you as it does to me. Once couples get pulled into this kind of cycle, each partner tends to trigger the other. When one partner speaks from a Parent ego state, it often invites a Child response in the other, and the pattern reinforces itself.

So how do we help couples shift out of this dynamic?

The first step is awareness. When couples can begin to identify the roles they are stepping into, and how those roles impact their partner, they create space for change.

Here’s a helpful hint. When a partner responds with defensiveness or anger, it is often a sign they are experiencing the message as critical or blaming. In Transactional Analysis language, this is a Critical Parent tone, which tends to activate the defensive Child in the other person.

While we cannot control our partner’s behavior, we can begin to notice these patterns in ourselves and the reactions they receive from our partner. When we do, we gain valuable feedback about how to shift toward a more respectful, Adult-to-Adult way of communicating, which is far more likely to invite a positive response.

So what does that actually look like?

When we are speaking from our Adult, we:

• Pause and regulate before responding so we are responding rather than reacting
• Use a gentle start-up instead of defending, for example: “I’m sorry my driving is stressing you out. I’ll slow down.”
• Use “I” statements rather than blame: “I feel anxious when we are driving this close to the car in front of us. I know you are a good driver, and it would really help me relax if we had a bit more space.”
• Get curious instead of defensive: “I can see you are feeling anxious. How can I help you feel more comfortable?”
• Step back and take a meta view, almost like observing the interaction from the outside, and asking: What pattern are we in right now, and how can I shift it?

One of my favorite interventions came from a therapist my husband and I once worked with. He suggested that in those heated moments, we ask ourselves: “What could I do right now that would surprise my partner?” In other words, how can I surprise my partner by breaking this pattern?

That simple question can interrupt old patterns and create space for something new.

While Transactional Analysis may feel a bit old school and is not always emphasized in an evidence-based practice, its concepts can be thoughtfully integrated into modern treatment. Sometimes a small shift in perspective can make a powerful difference.

Kim Scott, LMFT is a licensed marriage, family and child therapist. She has a private practice in Granada Hills where she works with couples and individuals, in-person and via Telehealth. Kim has been licensed for 30 years and has expertise in working with older adults and women issues. To learn more about Kim's practice and to read more of her articles visit her website: www.kimscottmft.com.