Member Article

Reversing The Narcissist’s Gaze: How To See Yourself Clearly With Your Own Eyes

Joanna Poppink, LMFT

Living Under the Narcissist’s Gaze

The narcissist’s gaze is not simple attention—it is surveillance wrapped in admiration and control. Under that gaze, a woman becomes an object in someone else’s narrative. Her feelings are interpreted, corrected, or dismissed. Praise alternates with criticism to keep her dependent on approval.

Over time, she begins to monitor herself even when alone. She checks her words, tone, appearance, and even her thoughts. The gaze has moved inside her. What once came from the narcissist’s eyes now lives in her own.

Depth-oriented psychotherapy begins by recognizing this takeover. The goal is not to argue with the narcissist’s version of reality but to withdraw energy from it—to stop believing that his or her perception defines what is true.

How the Gaze Takes Hold

Psychologically, the narcissist projects unwanted shame and vulnerability onto the other person. Through repeated exposure, the recipient internalizes this projection and carries the narcissist’s pain as if it were her own.

This can begin in childhood, where love is conditional and admiration replaces connection, or in adult relationships where charm and confidence mask control.

The woman adapts to survive. She learns that safety depends on pleasing. Her nervous system responds accordingly: shallow breath, tightened muscles, eyes scanning for danger. Her body becomes a recording of vigilance.

The Loss of Inner Vision

When the narcissist’s gaze becomes internalized, the woman no longer trusts what she perceives. Her intuition feels unreliable. Her emotions seem excessive or wrong. She doubts her memories.

The result is psychic blindness—a quiet erasure of self. She may appear competent, even admired, yet feel hollow inside. The mirror no longer reflects her; it echoes the narcissist’s expectations.

This is the psychological cost of captivity: not only the loss of freedom to act, but the loss of freedom to see.

Turning the Gaze Inward

Reversing the narcissist’s gaze begins with an act of courage: turning one’s own gaze inward.

In the safety of psychotherapy, the woman begins to describe her experience without censorship. She says what she sees, what she feels, what she dreams—without editing for approval.

The therapist listens without judgment. This steady presence interrupts the internalized overseer. For the first time, the woman experiences being seen without distortion.

Dreams and guided imagery often bring mirrors, eyes, or windows into awareness. The psyche speaks through these symbols, signaling that perception is awakening. Each image becomes a step toward reclaiming her own perspective.

Reclaiming the Power to Perceive

• She feels subtle tension in her shoulders when someone demands compliance.
• She notices the impulse to apologize for existing.
• She senses her joy dim in the presence of control.

Seeing these patterns is not self-blame; it is self-restoration. With awareness comes choice. She can decide whose voice she will believe and whose reflection she will accept.

In depth work, perception itself becomes healing. To see clearly is to reclaim authority over one’s inner life. The gaze is reversed: the woman becomes the subject, not the object.

Embodied Transformation

When the internal gaze shifts, the body changes too. The eyes soften. Breathing deepens. The jaw relaxes. These physical signs are not cosmetic—they are evidence of inner freedom.

The nervous system learns safety from within rather than through appeasement. Compassion replaces vigilance. The woman begins to experience herself as real, not as a reflection of another’s desire.

Such changes unfold gradually. Each session, each dream, each honest word restores another fragment of her own vision.

The Return of the True Image

In time, she stands before her mirror and recognizes herself—not the role she performed, not the compliant mask, but the person who has always lived beneath them.

This moment of recognition carries both grief and grace. She grieves for the years she lived unseen, yet rejoices in the life that is finally visible to herself and, later, to others.

Depth psychotherapy does not end with that moment. Seeing clearly requires practice, courage, and ongoing care. But once the actual image has emerged, it cannot be erased.

The gaze is hers now. She looks at herself—and at life—with her own eyes.

Integration and Continuing Freedom

Reversing the narcissist’s gaze is not about mastering technique. It is about reclaiming relationship—to oneself, to others, to truth.

As she learns to trust her perception, her choices become more authentic. Relationships transform or end. Creativity reawakens. Joy and sadness both become real again.

Freedom is not a single act of defiance but a daily practice of seeing truly, speaking honestly, and refusing to vanish inside another person’s story.

Joanna Poppink, LMFT, psychotherapist, speaker, and author of Healing Your Hungry Heart: Recovering from Your Eating Disorder, is in private practice and specializes in Eating Disorder Recovery for adult women and with an emphasis on building a fulfilling life beyond recovery. She is licensed in California, Florida, Oregon, and Utah. All appointments are virtual. Website: EatingDisorderRecovery.net

LA-CAMFT Diversity Committee

presents

White Therapists Fighting Racism (WTFR)

Third Sunday of Every Month

Next Meeting:
Sunday, June 21, 2026
3:00pm-5:00pm (PT)

Online Via Zoom

The goal of White Therapists Fighting Racism (WTFR) is for white-identified therapists to become effective allies in support of decolonization and racial justice in our clinical practice, therapy association, and community. Recognizing that racism is maintained when whiteness is invisible to white people, WTFR provides a forum for white-identified therapists to explore what it means to be white. While this process includes learning about structural racism and deconstructing the false narrative about race, a primary focus in the group is on doing inner work.

How Do I Join? To join this group, please click here to complete our online submission form. Once submitted, a group facilitator will reach out to you for next steps.

Open to LA-CAMFT Members and Non-Members.

For more information or if you have additional questions, please send all inquiries to the facilitators WTFR@lacamft.org.

Event Details:

For: Licensed Therapists, Associates, and Students

When: Sunday, June 21, 2026 from 3:00pm-5:00pm (PT)

Where: Online Via Zoom (Once you complete the online submission process, you will be emailed a monthly Zoom link.)

Cost: No charge

Facilitator(s): Estelle, Randi, Hazel, and Stephen

*Registration is open and available until the group begins.*

https://lacamft.org/event-6513177

Member Spotlight

Ruth Castro, ACSW

Tell us a little bit about yourself—are you a mental health professional? Have you had other jobs before this? Where are you in your journey as a mental health professional/affiliate? What inspired you to become a therapist/clinician/psychiatrist/social worker/lawyer/advocate, etc.,?

I am currently an Associate Clinical Social Worker at a community mental health center. In the past, I’ve worked with a diverse range of clients but now work with adolescents and young adults. I am in the process of pursuing licensure and preparing to take my clinical exam soon (wish me luck!).

It feels like I came into the mental health field organically–I’ve always felt a strong sense of purpose in helping others understand their own patterns and working to break generational cycles. I deeply enjoy helping others better understand and articulate their experiences. I find it very meaningful to walk alongside individuals on their journey.

What areas of practice are you most passionate about today? What kind of clients and modalities are you currently most interested in working with?

I enjoy working with a diverse range of clients. I am drawn to somatic approaches to therapy because I’m fascinated with mind-body connection and how experiences can be processed both physically and emotionally. I find these therapeutic approaches powerful in helping build awareness and healing. I have been learning more about Hakomi therapy and I am interested in pursuing training in this modality due to its mindfulness approach.

How did you learn about LA-CAMFT and what motivated you to join?

I learned about LA-CAMFT through my previous employer where I learned about their Therapist of Color mentorship program. I was paired with a mentor through this program and met with her for a few months. To this day, I keep in touch with them. They have helped and guided me through my licensure journey. 

Since joining LA-CAMFT, what’s been the most helpful or valuable part for you so far? Was there anything about the organization that has pleasantly surprised you?

Since joining LA-CAMFT, I’ve valued the like-minded community. I was surprised at how quickly I made new professional connections. It’s really nice to have a community that understands the challenges of this field and shares a common professional language. Surprisingly, I made great connections through an LA-CAMFT volleyball event at the beach and we still keep in touch!

Are there any professional development opportunities (trainings, supervision, networking, advocacy, etc.), resources, trainings, or supports you’ve learned about through LA-CAMFT that have really stood out to you?

There are a ton of networking opportunities via ongoing monthly events and support groups. I feel a sense of relief knowing that I have a network of professionals that I can turn to if I ever need advice or direction on next steps.

Who do you think would benefit most from joining LA-CAMFT and why?

I think anyone looking for community and wanting to be part of a group that understands the field would benefit. We all need people to lean on throughout the licensure journey because it’s challenging, and individuals seeking support during that process would benefit from joining LA-CAMFT.

What are you most excited about as you continue your journey with LA-CAMFT?

I’m excited to become more involved via my new role as LA-CAMFT Volunteer Coordinator, and am looking forward to making new connections.

Anything else you’d like your fellow LA-CAMFT members to know about you or your experience with LA-CAMFT?

If you’re ever on the fence or feeling nervous about attending an event, I hope it helps to know that there is a solid group of individuals behind the scenes working to create a welcoming space. I encourage you to come out and connect. I hope you’re able to utilize the resources available and feel a sense of connection and belonging.

Ruth Castro, ACSW, is currently an Associate Clinical Social Worker at a community mental health center.

LA-CAMFT invites two members each month to be featured in the Member Spotlight section of Voices - a new member (less than 5 years), alongside a long-time member (5+ years).  Candidates are chosen by current chapter leadership based on their regular participation in and contributions to LA-CAMFT. If you are an LA-CAMFT member and would like to be considered, please reach out to MembershipChair@LACAMFT.org and introduce yourself with the subject line “Member Spotlight Consideration” for more information.

LA-CAMFT’s Declaration
of Inclusion, Diversity, and Anti-Racism

Psychotherapy can be transformative in a democratic society, and can open intellectual inquiry that, at its best, influences and results in lasting positive change. In recognition of our shared humanity and concern for our community and world, LA-CAMFT loudly and overtly disavows all racism, xenophobia, homophobia, transphobia, sexism, Islamophobia, anti-Semitism, classism, ableism, ageism, and hate speech or actions that attempt to silence, threaten, and degrade others. We in LA-CAMFT leadership hereby affirm our solidarity with those individuals and groups most at risk and further declare that embracing diversity and fostering inclusivity are central to the mission of our organization.

As mental health professionals, we value critical reasoning, evidence-based arguments, self-reflection, and the imagination. We hope to inspire empathy, advocate for social and environmental justice, and provide an ethical framework for our clients, our community, and ourselves.

We in LA-CAMFT leadership are committed to:

(1) the recognition, respect, and affirmation of differences among peoples

(2) challenging oppression and structural and procedural inequities that exist in society, generally, and in local therapeutic, agency, and academic settings

(3) offering diverse programming content and presenters throughout our networking event calendar, as well as in our workshops, trainings, and special events

While we traverse the turbulent seas of the important and necessary changes taking place in our country, in order to form a “more perfect union.” we wish to convey our belief that within our community exists an immense capacity for hope. We believe in and have seen how psychotherapy, therapeutic relationships, and mental health professions can be agents of positive change, without ignoring or denying that the practice and business of psychiatry, psychology, and psychotherapy have historically been the cause of great harm, trauma, and emotional toll, particularly for people of color and other marginalized groups. We are committed to doing our part to help remedy that which we have the position, privilege, and/or resources to do so.

At LA-CAMFT events, all members are welcome regardless of race/ethnicity, gender identities, gender expressions, sexual orientation, socio-economic status, age, disabilities, religion, regional background, Veteran status, citizenship, status, nationality and other diverse identities that we each bring to our professions. We expect that leadership and members will promote an atmosphere of respect for all members of our community.

In a diverse community, the goal of inclusiveness encourages and appreciates expressions of different ideas, opinions, and beliefs, so that potentially divisive conversations and interactions become opportunities for intellectual and personal growth. LA-CAMFT leadership wants to embrace this opportunity to create and maintain inclusive and safe spaces for all of our members, free of bias, discrimination, and harassment, where people will be treated with respect and dignity and where all individuals are provided equitable opportunity to participate, contribute, and succeed.

We value your voice in this process. If you feel that our leadership or programming falls short of this commitment, we encourage you to get involved, and to begin a dialogue with those in leadership. It is undeniable that the success of LA-CAMFT relies on the participation, support, and understanding of all its members.

Wishing good health to you and yours, may you find yourself centered in feelings of abundance, safety, belonging, and peace.

Standing together,
The LA-CAMFT Board of Directors and Diversity Committee