Member Article

Gaslighting 101: How to Recognize When Your Reality Is Being Manipulated

Steven Unruh, MDiv, LMFT

You replay the conversation in your head for the third time that night. You’re sure of what was said—what happened—but somehow, you’re the one apologizing. Again. The texts don’t match your memory. The tone feels off. And a quiet question creeps in: “Am I losing it?”

If you’re going through a divorce, that question can feel even louder—and more dangerous. Because when everything is already shifting beneath your feet, the last thing you can afford is to doubt your own reality.

When Your Reality Is Constantly Questioned

Gaslighting is more than just a buzzword—it’s a deeply destabilizing experience, especially in the context of divorce.

On the surface, it can look like constant denial, blame-shifting, or rewriting of events. You may hear things like, “That never happened,” or “You’re overreacting,” or even, “You’re the one causing all the problems.” This can show up in texts, co-parenting conversations, mediation discussions, or even in the courtroom.

But the impact goes far beyond confusion. Over time, it chips away at your confidence. You may start second-guessing your decisions, your memory, even your instincts as a parent. Divorce is already emotionally taxing—gaslighting adds another layer of isolation and self-doubt that can leave you feeling stuck and powerless.

And at its core, it’s simply not right. No one should have their sense of reality twisted or used against them—especially during one of the most vulnerable transitions of their life. You deserve clarity, respect, and a fair process. And the good news is, there’s a better way forward.

A Better Way Forward

I’ve been a divorce mediator for more than 40 years. I’ve worked with countless individuals who walked into the process feeling confused, overwhelmed, and unsure of what was real anymore.

I want you to know two things: I care deeply about what you’re going through, and you’re not alone. More importantly, there are ways to recognize gaslighting and protect yourself from its effects—especially during divorce.

Let’s walk through some practical steps you can take.

1. Learn the Common Gaslighting Tactics

The first step is awareness. Gaslighting often follows predictable patterns:

• Denial of facts: “That never happened.”
• Blame shifting: “You’re the reason this is falling apart.”
• Minimizing feelings: “You’re too sensitive.”
• Rewriting history: Changing past events to fit their narrative

When you can name what’s happening, it becomes easier to separate truth from manipulation.

2. Start Documenting Everything

When your reality is being challenged, documentation becomes your anchor.

• Save texts and emails
• Keep a journal of conversations and events
• Write things down as soon as they happen

This isn’t about “building a case” as much as it is about protecting your clarity. When doubt creeps in, you’ll have something concrete to return to.

3. Trust Your Internal Signals

Even when your mind feels foggy, your body often knows the truth.

Pay attention to moments when you feel:

• Confused after simple conversations
• Anxious about bringing up concerns
• Like you’re constantly “walking on eggshells”

These are not signs that something is wrong with you—they’re signals that something is off in the dynamic.

4. Set Clear Communication Boundaries

During divorce, especially when co-parenting is involved, communication is unavoidable—but it can be structured.

• Keep conversations brief and focused
• Use written communication when possible
• Avoid engaging in emotional back-and-forth

In mediation, this becomes especially important. A structured environment reduces opportunities for manipulation and keeps discussions grounded in facts and solutions.

5. Consider Divorce Mediation as a Stabilizing Process

One of the most powerful ways to counter gaslighting is to bring in a neutral, structured process—and that’s where mediation can make a significant difference.

In mediation:

• Conversations are guided and focused
• Both parties are held accountable to facts and agreements
• Emotional escalation is minimized
• The goal is resolution—not “winning”

For many people, mediation provides something they haven’t had in a long time: a clear, balanced space where their voice is heard and reality is not up for debate.

“But What If Mediation Won’t Work for Us?”

You might be thinking, “If I’m dealing with someone manipulative, won’t they just manipulate the mediation too?”

That’s a fair concern—and one I hear often.

The difference is structure. Mediation isn’t an open playing field.

A skilled mediator knows how to:

• Redirect unproductive or manipulative behavior
• Keep discussions grounded in facts
• Ensure both parties are heard without interruption
• Maintain a focus on solutions rather than conflict

While no process is perfect, mediation often creates far more stability and clarity than adversarial alternatives—especially when gaslighting is involved.

Take Back Your Clarity and Move Forward

You don’t have to live in confusion. You don’t have to keep questioning your memory, your instincts, or your worth.

There is a path forward where:

• You feel confident in your decisions
• Communication is clear and structured
• Agreements are based on reality—not manipulation
• You can move through divorce with dignity and stability

If you’re ready for that kind of clarity, learn how mediation can support you through this process. With the right guidance, you can break free from the cycle of gaslighting and start building a future grounded in truth, confidence, and peace of mind.

Steven Unruh, MA, MDiv, is a Divorce Mediator and LMFT. He and his team at Unruh Mediation complete the entire divorce process, including all assets, pensions, properties, alimony and child support—along with all required documentation. Unruh Mediation files in 13 different courthouses throughout Southern California. Website: stevenunruh.com