The Other Side of Narcissism

Narcissism is generally seen as a negative trait, but here we will explore its positive side. When babies are born, they imagine that the world revolves around them, and if they have an immediate need, they hope that someone will take care of them efficiently. Unfortunately, the fantasy that your parent will respond to you in just the right way, at just the right time, at just the right temperature, sets you up for the first of many narcissistic injuries to come. As a result, we all suffer from narcissistic wounds throughout our lifetime. It’s not the wounds that count—it’s how you deal with them.

There are no guarantees in childhood. As a matter of fact, nobody gets what they want exactly when they want it—one dimension of entitlement—and one of the hallmarks of narcissism. Most of us learn to cope with the challenges and unpredictability of relationships and adapt accordingly. True narcissists do not. They stubbornly hold on to their idea of entitlement and develop a lack of empathy for others. On the other hand, healthy narcissism refers to the intrinsic belief that we are desirable, lovable human beings and others may prove trustworthy over time.

Having grown up in a chaotic home with depressed parents and four older, distant siblings, Charlie was profoundly lonely. As the fifth child, he always felt like he raised himself as he learned to take care of chores such as doing the laundry by the time he was in first grade. His level of self-sufficiency was way beyond his years.

Because he was a pleasant surprise, his siblings were considerably older. As a result, he felt separate and superior at the same time. He was even placed in a program for kids who excelled academically which set him apart even further and perpetuated the aura of special-ness which fed Charlie’s version of narcissism.

Having grown up in a home with physical and emotional abuse, achievement and perfectionism were Charlies’ way of getting validation and attention. Although he was very isolated, healthier narcissism helped him feel competent in the midst of constant competition, envy and bullying.

Charlie represents one version of narcissism which protected him from deeper painful feelings. Here are some practical action steps for narcissism recovery:

1. Distinguish between healthier narcissism and malignant narcissism.
   Healthier narcissism will generally show up when you’re feeling more emotionally sober, confident and connected to others. Malignant forms of narcissism show up as chronic relationship problems, blaming others and lack of empathy or attunement. Because we all possess each of these qualities, track which qualities are more prevalent and focus your attention on what feels healthier to you.
2. Move from self-centeredness to other-centeredness by distinguishing between the two.
   Observe yourself as a constant balance between giving and receiving. Practice other-centeredness by giving to others and to your community.
3. Consider volunteering which comes in various shapes and forms.
   For instance, you have friends who can’t afford a dog sitter for the weekend. Volunteer to look after their dog which can be helpful to them but also an exercise in receiving unconditional love from this furry friend.
4. Full-blown narcissism and love cannot co-exist.
   If you find yourself reading this and getting in touch with a level of loneliness, start small. Consider adopting a pet or planting a home garden. Notice and surround yourself with emotionally-dependable people—one-by-one. The opposite of narcissism is deeper connection.
5. Cultivate your generosity of spirit.
   Keep your eyes and ears open for ways to give back to others. Hold the door open for someone. Donate to your favorite charity. Be respectful of others in all walks of life. A simple way of giving is to say hello or smile at your neighbors.
6. Entitlement and envy are ways of protecting yourself from being hurt.
   Identify these feelings as they arise and try to take contrary action. For instance, if you are feeling entitled to something right away, practice patience. If you are noticing envy, try to be happy for the object of your envy rather than competitive.
7. Depending on the extent of your past narcissistic wounds, intimacy will be a challenge.
   Begin to notice when you’re feeling vulnerable. Go slow. Pace yourself and try to take bite-size emotional risks. As a result, you’ll create more depth to your relationships. Consider joining a therapy group which is one of the best ways to build relationship muscle and to practice vulnerability in a safe and productive way.

In summary, narcissism isn’t a bad thing. It’s only problematic when someone is unwilling to look at patterns that get in their way. We all have a narcissistic layer to protect ourselves. Observe yourself with curiosity and non-judgment and see what you discover.

Andrew Susskind, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Somatic Experiencing and Brainspotting Practitioner and Certified Group Psychotherapist, based in West Los Angeles since 1992, specializing in trauma and addictions. His recent book, It’s Not About the Sex: Moving from Isolation to Intimacy after Sexual Addiction joins his workbook, From Now On: Seven Keys to Purposeful Recovery. For more information visit his websites westsidetherapist.com and brainspottinglosangeles.org.