Member Article

Becoming Whole - Claiming the Lost Self: An Essential Task for Midlife Women Series

Joanna Poppink, LMFT

How a woman’s psyche in midlife resolves fragmentation, releases unnecessary defenses, and becomes whole enough to stand in her truth and protect what matters to her.

Series Note
Becoming Whole is  Article 6 in the seven-part series, Claiming the Lost Self: An Essential Task for Midlife Women. The series explores how early distortions of love and loyalty separate a woman from her inner truth and how depth psychotherapy restores the self that never died. Each article traces the movement from loss and survival toward meaning, coherence, and becoming whole.

Summary
Becoming whole is not a return to a former life. It is the emergence of a self that formed beneath years of adaptation. When a woman reaches the stage of becoming whole, she feels a presence that is independent of approval or performance. She evaluates her world with clarity, maintains empathy, and stays anchored in her center. Her voice carries truth. Her body confirms what is real. She does not disguise her perceptions to protect others. She stands as herself.

This article examines how becoming whole unfolds in daily life, how depth psychotherapy empowers an emerging inner authority, reshapes relationships, and grounds her life in her values.

The Quiet Emergence of Becoming Whole
Becoming whole begins with subtle shifts. A woman enters a room where she once felt overshadowed. She notices the shedding of defenses that once dictated her behavior. Now, she is rooted in her presence before she speaks. She does not rehearse or adjust to the emotional climate. She listens. She responds from what she knows. Her voice carries without strain.

She notices she is not performing. She is at ease in being herself.

Before confidence forms fully, grief arrives. She sees how long she lived through strategies meant to protect her at the price of herself. She does not mourn the strategies. She mourns that she needed them. The grief is brief but deep, a recognition of an old life that constrained her. When grief passes, she inhabits herself without disguise.

Breath deepens. Shoulders ease. Conversations unfold without internal rehearsal. Stillness rises. Without hesitation, she embraces herself. Becoming whole is not declared, but lived.

The New Integrity of Becoming Whole
Integrity becomes her orientation. She is no longer divided between the self she shows and the self she carries. Her decisions reflect her values rather than what will cause the least disturbance. She acts without abandoning herself.

Emotions no longer command obedience or retreat. She holds them, reflects, and lets them fall into places she honors. She protects what matters not through withdrawal or appeasement, but through clarity and earned presence. From this grounded position, she addresses what stands before her.

She senses when she does not know enough. She speaks from truth. She asks for what she needs without apology. She tolerates differing perspectives without shrinking. If her view rested on limited information, she deepens her awareness and allows her thinking to evolve. Confidence grows from presence rather than image. She stands as herself without hardening into rigidity.

Shadow Awareness in Becoming Whole
Becoming whole is a continuous movement. It is not a final identity. Without reflection, it can drift into quiet certainty that closes her to what she has not yet seen. Depth psychotherapy teaches that the psyche keeps moving. Even as she becomes whole, she attends to her shadow. She notices subtle tensions and listens to internal pressure that signals an unfinished truth. This humility protects her presence.

Relationships in the Light of Becoming Whole
Relationships reorganize around her. Those who relied on her compliance recede. People who value truth move closer. She is not unkind. She is clear.

She listens without absorbing others’ anxiety. She honors her limits. She does not take on responsibilities that are not hers. Her presence alters the emotional field because she is no longer divided inside. Some are drawn to the possibility they sense in her. Others withdraw rather than meet themselves.

Vignette: Leadership and Truth
She enters a meeting that once intimidated her. An agenda item contradicts her values. She feels her chest tighten, breathes into discomfort, and speaks plainly. She neither escalates nor retreats. The room stills. A colleague nods, hearing her for the first time.

Vignette: Responding to Challenge Without Collapse
A senior colleague questions her judgment publicly. Earlier she would have softened to ease tension. Now she plants her feet. Breath stays calm. She answers with honesty, without apology. She remains confident in her mind and her body.

Vignette: Family and Emotional Boundaries
An adult daughter presents financial trouble and asks for another loan. The woman listens without absorbing the turmoil. She holds her center. She responds with clarity and respect for her own willingness to participate or not. She understands the reaction that may follow. Her clarity changes the relationship.

Vignette: A New Frame for an Old Relationship
After years of no contact, she agrees to meet an adult child. Instead of hosting at home, she suggests a neutral place they choose together. This shift frees both from old patterns and opens space for a new relationship based on who they are now.

Vignette: Mutual Respect Among Women. Aging heightens awareness. The body becomes a truth teller. She feels when she strays and when she stands in what she values. This physical honesty supports becoming whole.

Creativity, Contribution, and Presence
Creativity rises naturally in becoming whole. She feels drawn to work that expresses her values. She accepts opportunities aligned with her truth and declines those that contradict her integrity. She participates in life with presence rather than pressure.

Her influence becomes moral participation. Everything she chooses or refuses shapes the world she inhabits. She senses inner movement as part of a larger conversation with her own life. Moral intelligence becomes part of her creativity because she acts from what is true.

She does not stop protecting herself. She stops using self-erasure as protection. Her presence rests not in having nothing to defend, but in knowing she can defend what matters without distortion. Her presence is her triumph.

Becoming Whole as Ongoing Dialogue
Becoming whole honors a continuing relationship with the unconscious. Dreams guide her. Intuition becomes articulate. She listens inwardly with respect. She trusts subtle physical sensations before she can name them.

Through this dialogue, she sees that her psyche has been preparing her throughout her life. Earlier movements that restored truth, meaning, and inner authority now converge in her becoming whole. What she meets outwardly reflects what has been forming inwardly. Awareness expands. She feels self-assured and at home in her own skin.

Conclusion
Becoming whole is about moving through life without abandoning yourself. It is the quiet authority that comes when truth is no longer postponed. It is the moment a woman recognizes she is living whole and fully alive.

Joanna Poppink, LMFT, psychotherapist, speaker, and author of Healing Your Hungry Heart: Recovering from Your Eating Disorder, is in private practice and specializes in Eating Disorder Recovery for adult women and with an emphasis on building a fulfilling life beyond recovery. She is licensed in California, Florida, Oregon, and Utah. All appointments are virtual. Website: EatingDisorderRecovery.net

Member Article

Gaslighting 101: How to Recognize When Your Reality Is Being Manipulated

Steven Unruh, MDiv, LMFT

You replay the conversation in your head for the third time that night. You’re sure of what was said—what happened—but somehow, you’re the one apologizing. Again. The texts don’t match your memory. The tone feels off. And a quiet question creeps in: “Am I losing it?”

If you’re going through a divorce, that question can feel even louder—and more dangerous. Because when everything is already shifting beneath your feet, the last thing you can afford is to doubt your own reality.

When Your Reality Is Constantly Questioned

Gaslighting is more than just a buzzword—it’s a deeply destabilizing experience, especially in the context of divorce.

On the surface, it can look like constant denial, blame-shifting, or rewriting of events. You may hear things like, “That never happened,” or “You’re overreacting,” or even, “You’re the one causing all the problems.” This can show up in texts, co-parenting conversations, mediation discussions, or even in the courtroom.

But the impact goes far beyond confusion. Over time, it chips away at your confidence. You may start second-guessing your decisions, your memory, even your instincts as a parent. Divorce is already emotionally taxing—gaslighting adds another layer of isolation and self-doubt that can leave you feeling stuck and powerless.

And at its core, it’s simply not right. No one should have their sense of reality twisted or used against them—especially during one of the most vulnerable transitions of their life. You deserve clarity, respect, and a fair process. And the good news is, there’s a better way forward.

A Better Way Forward

I’ve been a divorce mediator for more than 40 years. I’ve worked with countless individuals who walked into the process feeling confused, overwhelmed, and unsure of what was real anymore.

I want you to know two things: I care deeply about what you’re going through, and you’re not alone. More importantly, there are ways to recognize gaslighting and protect yourself from its effects—especially during divorce.

Let’s walk through some practical steps you can take.

1. Learn the Common Gaslighting Tactics

The first step is awareness. Gaslighting often follows predictable patterns:

• Denial of facts: “That never happened.”
• Blame shifting: “You’re the reason this is falling apart.”
• Minimizing feelings: “You’re too sensitive.”
• Rewriting history: Changing past events to fit their narrative

When you can name what’s happening, it becomes easier to separate truth from manipulation.

2. Start Documenting Everything

When your reality is being challenged, documentation becomes your anchor.

• Save texts and emails
• Keep a journal of conversations and events
• Write things down as soon as they happen

This isn’t about “building a case” as much as it is about protecting your clarity. When doubt creeps in, you’ll have something concrete to return to.

3. Trust Your Internal Signals

Even when your mind feels foggy, your body often knows the truth.

Pay attention to moments when you feel:

• Confused after simple conversations
• Anxious about bringing up concerns
• Like you’re constantly “walking on eggshells”

These are not signs that something is wrong with you—they’re signals that something is off in the dynamic.

4. Set Clear Communication Boundaries

During divorce, especially when co-parenting is involved, communication is unavoidable—but it can be structured.

• Keep conversations brief and focused
• Use written communication when possible
• Avoid engaging in emotional back-and-forth

In mediation, this becomes especially important. A structured environment reduces opportunities for manipulation and keeps discussions grounded in facts and solutions.

5. Consider Divorce Mediation as a Stabilizing Process

One of the most powerful ways to counter gaslighting is to bring in a neutral, structured process—and that’s where mediation can make a significant difference.

In mediation:

• Conversations are guided and focused
• Both parties are held accountable to facts and agreements
• Emotional escalation is minimized
• The goal is resolution—not “winning”

For many people, mediation provides something they haven’t had in a long time: a clear, balanced space where their voice is heard and reality is not up for debate.

“But What If Mediation Won’t Work for Us?”

You might be thinking, “If I’m dealing with someone manipulative, won’t they just manipulate the mediation too?”

That’s a fair concern—and one I hear often.

The difference is structure. Mediation isn’t an open playing field.

A skilled mediator knows how to:

• Redirect unproductive or manipulative behavior
• Keep discussions grounded in facts
• Ensure both parties are heard without interruption
• Maintain a focus on solutions rather than conflict

While no process is perfect, mediation often creates far more stability and clarity than adversarial alternatives—especially when gaslighting is involved.

Take Back Your Clarity and Move Forward

You don’t have to live in confusion. You don’t have to keep questioning your memory, your instincts, or your worth.

There is a path forward where:

• You feel confident in your decisions
• Communication is clear and structured
• Agreements are based on reality—not manipulation
• You can move through divorce with dignity and stability

If you’re ready for that kind of clarity, learn how mediation can support you through this process. With the right guidance, you can break free from the cycle of gaslighting and start building a future grounded in truth, confidence, and peace of mind.

Steven Unruh, MA, MDiv, is a Divorce Mediator and LMFT. He and his team at Unruh Mediation complete the entire divorce process, including all assets, pensions, properties, alimony and child support—along with all required documentation. Unruh Mediation files in 13 different courthouses throughout Southern California. Website: stevenunruh.com

LA-CAMFT Diversity Committee

presents

White Therapists Fighting Racism (WTFR)

Third Sunday of Every Month

Next Meeting:
Sunday, May 17, 2026
3:00pm-5:00pm (PT)

Online Via Zoom

The goal of White Therapists Fighting Racism (WTFR) is for white-identified therapists to become effective allies in support of decolonization and racial justice in our clinical practice, therapy association, and community. Recognizing that racism is maintained when whiteness is invisible to white people, WTFR provides a forum for white-identified therapists to explore what it means to be white. While this process includes learning about structural racism and deconstructing the false narrative about race, a primary focus in the group is on doing inner work.

How Do I Join? To join this group, please click here to complete our online submission form. Once submitted, a group facilitator will reach out to you for next steps.

Open to LA-CAMFT Members and Non-Members.

For more information or if you have additional questions, please send all inquiries to the facilitators WTFR@lacamft.org.

Event Details:

For: Licensed Therapists, Associates, and Students

When: Sunday, May 17, 2026 from 3:00pm-5:00pm (PT)

Where: Online Via Zoom (Once you complete the online submission process, you will be emailed a monthly Zoom link.)

Cost: No charge

Facilitator(s): Estelle, Randi, Hazel, and Stephen

*Registration is open and available until the group begins.*

https://lacamft.org/event-6513174

LA-CAMFT’s Declaration
of Inclusion, Diversity, and Anti-Racism

Psychotherapy can be transformative in a democratic society, and can open intellectual inquiry that, at its best, influences and results in lasting positive change. In recognition of our shared humanity and concern for our community and world, LA-CAMFT loudly and overtly disavows all racism, xenophobia, homophobia, transphobia, sexism, Islamophobia, anti-Semitism, classism, ableism, ageism, and hate speech or actions that attempt to silence, threaten, and degrade others. We in LA-CAMFT leadership hereby affirm our solidarity with those individuals and groups most at risk and further declare that embracing diversity and fostering inclusivity are central to the mission of our organization.

As mental health professionals, we value critical reasoning, evidence-based arguments, self-reflection, and the imagination. We hope to inspire empathy, advocate for social and environmental justice, and provide an ethical framework for our clients, our community, and ourselves.

We in LA-CAMFT leadership are committed to:

(1) the recognition, respect, and affirmation of differences among peoples

(2) challenging oppression and structural and procedural inequities that exist in society, generally, and in local therapeutic, agency, and academic settings

(3) offering diverse programming content and presenters throughout our networking event calendar, as well as in our workshops, trainings, and special events

While we traverse the turbulent seas of the important and necessary changes taking place in our country, in order to form a “more perfect union.” we wish to convey our belief that within our community exists an immense capacity for hope. We believe in and have seen how psychotherapy, therapeutic relationships, and mental health professions can be agents of positive change, without ignoring or denying that the practice and business of psychiatry, psychology, and psychotherapy have historically been the cause of great harm, trauma, and emotional toll, particularly for people of color and other marginalized groups. We are committed to doing our part to help remedy that which we have the position, privilege, and/or resources to do so.

At LA-CAMFT events, all members are welcome regardless of race/ethnicity, gender identities, gender expressions, sexual orientation, socio-economic status, age, disabilities, religion, regional background, Veteran status, citizenship, status, nationality and other diverse identities that we each bring to our professions. We expect that leadership and members will promote an atmosphere of respect for all members of our community.

In a diverse community, the goal of inclusiveness encourages and appreciates expressions of different ideas, opinions, and beliefs, so that potentially divisive conversations and interactions become opportunities for intellectual and personal growth. LA-CAMFT leadership wants to embrace this opportunity to create and maintain inclusive and safe spaces for all of our members, free of bias, discrimination, and harassment, where people will be treated with respect and dignity and where all individuals are provided equitable opportunity to participate, contribute, and succeed.

We value your voice in this process. If you feel that our leadership or programming falls short of this commitment, we encourage you to get involved, and to begin a dialogue with those in leadership. It is undeniable that the success of LA-CAMFT relies on the participation, support, and understanding of all its members.

Wishing good health to you and yours, may you find yourself centered in feelings of abundance, safety, belonging, and peace.

Standing together,
The LA-CAMFT Board of Directors and Diversity Committee