President's Message

The Power of Joy

Akiah Selwa, LMFT, President

There is a quiet magic in the word "joy." It is lighter than happiness, more fleeting than contentment, yet it holds the power to transform lives. In a world that can often feel hurried, anxious, or burdened, joy becomes an act of resistance—a deliberate choice to celebrate the small wonders and moments that uplift us. Recent research in psychology and neuroscience has illuminated how cultivating joy is a luxury and a necessity for maintaining and enhancing our mental health. I had the opportunity to conduct a short presentation on "Joyfulness: A Necessary Strategy" at SALT 3 (Service Area Leadership Team Three) a few weeks ago. I wanted to revisit this topic here to encourage you (and me) to remember also to choose to be joyful.

I hope you attended our June CE event, "Crisis and Disaster Response: Supporting Survivors" with Elaine Miller-Karas, LCSW of the Trauma Resource Institute. The training was fantastic! The LA-CAMFT Board was excited to offer another opportunity to equip our members with a resource for helping us and clients address acute traumatic experiences. I am pleased that we were able to facilitate ongoing support to you and others who may be supporting your clients, community, and family after the LA fires (and amid other communal traumas and disasters). While attending the training, I reconnected with the fact that exercising joy is an effective resourcing tool.

Joy is like forgiveness as they are both choices that we consent to making. As a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner (Adv II) in training, choosing joy feels great and can change our body chemistry and functioning. Joy is powerful and transformative! I know I am preaching to the choir, but it is worth noting that when we feel joy, our brains release neurotransmitters such as dopamine and serotonin, often called the “feel-good” chemicals. These substances help regulate mood, promote calmness, and even reduce pain perception.

But joy's benefits can have a long-term impact. Studies show that people who frequently experience moments of joy and positive emotion are more resilient to stress. Their brains develop stronger connections in regions responsible for emotional regulation, such as the prefrontal cortex. This means that joy does not simply make us feel good in the moment—it builds the neural pathways that help us cope with life's challenges.

Moreover, research from positive psychology suggests that joy can help buffer the effects of anxiety and depression. When we allow ourselves to feel and express joy, we create a mental "safe space" that fosters hope, gratitude, and motivation. In this way, joy becomes a powerful antidote to the struggles that can threaten our mental health.

A remarkable feature of joy is its ability to shift our perspective. Even life's most mundane or difficult moments can feel lighter when joy is present. Joy helps us to notice cultivated in the present, and to cultivate optimism. This shift in perspective is more than attitude; it changes how we process and respond to life's events. For example, research shows that people who are available to recognize and appreciate joyful moments are less likely to ruminate on negative thoughts. Instead, they display greater flexibility in their thinking and are better equipped to find solutions to problems. Joy opens the mind. It encourages curiosity, creativity, and the willingness to try new things. This mindset supports mental health and helps us grow as individuals.

Wow! But the goodness of joy does not obey the borders of our internal experience; social connection is a cornerstone of good mental health, and joy strengthens these connections. When we share joyful experiences, we build trust and empathy. We tell our nervous systems, "Here, you are safe." In group settings, joy can be contagious, creating ripples of positive emotion that uplift entire communities. Whether through celebration, music, or shared acts of kindness, joy reminds us of our common humanity.

There is much more to say about joy, but I will stop here (and plan to cycle back in my doctoral studies). I want to close this article with a quote from my dear Uncle Alex: “Kiah, don't start none, there won't be none!." I hope I have started something in you. I hope you will consider the significant value of facilitating opportunities for your clients to choose joy or modeling how to choose joy (especially when it is challenging).

Peace, comfort, and joy to you and yours!

Akiah T. R. Selwa, LMFT, is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a great sense of humor, a heart full of hope, and twenty-three years of experience as a psychotherapist. Akiah is the owner of Sunrise Therapy Center (STC) a private practice corporation that services all of California via a telehealth platform. Akiah approaches her work with cultural humility and humor that promotes acceptance, empowerment, spirituality, and creativity. Akiah will complete Somatic Experiencing training in 2025 with Somatic Experiencing International, is a certified SoulCollage® Facilitator (2024), and a currently in a two-year Spiritual Direction program with Stillpoint. When Akiah is not working as a therapist, she is a mixed media artist, having fun with my next crochet project, singing, or exploring nature.

Annual Summer Picnic 2025

sponsored by

Please join LA-CAMFT for our 2025 Annual Summer Picnic on Sunday, August 10, 2025 from Noon to 3 PM at Cheviot Hills Recreation Center - Picnic Area #2. We will connect, eat a delicious lunch, share stories and make new friends amongst our supportive community. Family members (including kiddos), colleagues and friends are welcome.

During lunch, an amazing classical and jazz guitarist will serenade us with ambient music.

This summer we are suggesting an optional wardrobe accessory: Boas! Anyone wearing one will receive an extra raffle ticket.

Exciting donations for the raffle include gift baskets and gift certificates from Blue Bottle Coffee Company, Composed Living Home, Soto Clothing, Bacari Mediterranean Restaurant and more!

For more information, please contact Sahaja Douglass at sahaja@sahajapsychotherapy.com or (310) 570-7429.

Thank you,

Sahaja Douglass

2025 picnic organizer and Sponsorship Chair

Event Details:

For: Licensed Therapists, Associates, Students, Related Professionals, and colleagues

When: Sunday, August 10, 2025 from 12:00-3:00pm (11:30am check in)

Where: Cheviot Hills Recreation Center - Picnic Area #2 (2251 Motor Avenue, Los Angeles, CA 90064)

Parking: Free onsite parking

Cost:

$15 for LA-CAMFT Members

$15 Other CAMFT Chapter Members

$10 for Prelicensed Members

$10 Other CAMFT Chapter Prelicensed Members

$20 for Non-Members

$10 for Prelicensed Non-Members

Please contact Sahaja Douglass at sahaja@sahajapsychotherapy.com or (310) 570-7429if you need financial consideration in order to attend this event.

Editor's Note

Getting Paid: Full Practice, Ideal Clients, Money, Vacation

Lynne Azpeitia, LMFT, Voices Editor

If I’ve learned anything from attending LA-CAMFT’s networking events hosting a monthly practice development lunch, and training and supervising therapists for more than 20 years, it’s what licensed and pre-licensed therapists and related professionals want.

Top of the list are: full practice or good job; work they love; ideal clients; enough money to support themselves, family (this doesn’t have to mean having a partner or children), and practice without struggling too much; a reasonable number of hours along with time away from work for personal and family life, vacation, networking and professional development, as well as for other individual or professional pursuits.

Therapists are willing to work hard for all the above — starting with graduate school and continuing through gaining hours for licensure, and post-licensure or certification, then through the accruing of years working, and the maturing of their career.

How can, and do, professionals attain these highly-desired benchmarks while still serving clients, the profession, and the community?

The good news is that it can be done with any type of practice that suits you best: cash pay, insurance, sliding scale, part-time, online, coaching; day, night, weekday or weekend; rent your own office, share, sublet full day or half day or hourly, etc. It’s your choice. In fact, having the successful practice you want depends largely on the practice being suited to you and the clients you work with.

So how do you grow and fill a practice? Local networking. Consistent, effective, and ongoing, local networking is the best way to get known in your community and the fastest way to grow a practice and keep it filled.

What is local networking and how does it work?

Local networking is one of the most natural ways of interacting with people—and most professionals find this a comfortable way to get known in their community. It means raising awareness about your services and getting the word out about how you help people and doing this by regularly connecting with everyone you know and keeping them up-to-date with what you’re doing in your practice or career and maybe even inviting them to check out your website, social media, blog, article or podcast.

This means letting those in your community know what you do and how you help people—relatives, friends, neighbors, social and community contacts, colleagues, those at church or temple, people you worked with at previously or were in graduate school with or a placement—don’t forget professors and supervisors. Each one of these people is a potential referral source for your practice. Find a way to keep in contact with them and to keep them current on you and your practice. Building your contact list, e-mail list, referral sources, and resource list is a long-term project. Start today!  

Getting the word out about what you do and the services you offer to the communityalso involves meeting new people and making new friends as you increase your practice’s visibility and grow your network. Who you know, those who know you, and those who refer to you are valuable resources for filling your practice with clients who need your services and will pay your fees.

Think about it this way, when people know about your practice, and are familiar with your services, they can find you or refer to you when a therapist with your skills and abilities is needed. This type of networking is viewed as a community service, so make sure your community knows how you can be of service to them. The more people, businesses, organizations, and professionals in your community who know about the work you do the faster your caseload will fill.

Local networking can take a variety of forms, in person, online, digital or print advertising, talks, blogs, podcasts, YouTube videos, and any type of social media or online forum. It’s up to you to decide what works best for you, your practice, client market, available time, and budget. Take your pick. You get to choose. Try things out, then see what works best for you.

Local networking also means becoming familiar with your community and how your potential clients move through it via churches, schools, sports programs and teams, athletic and country clubs, theater arts, colleges, yoga centers, hospitals, libraries, parks and recreation, employee assistance programs, and many others. Understanding the needs of potential therapy clients in your area and how those needs are being or not being met makes practice building easier.

Since therapists are an important part of every community, it’s important that we be visible so that our clients can find us when they need our services. The therapists I know who have a full enough practice with a consistent influx of clients are those who are known in, and know, their communities and keep up regular contact.

Local networking also includes getting known in your professional community. LA-CAMFT is a great way to get connected with other professionals in your area and to develop and maintain relationships and friendships as well as referral sources for your network. Through our monthly networking events, workshops, member events, Voices newsletter articles, classified advertising e-blast, SIGs, support groups, and special events, LA-CAMFT provides many networking opportunities for therapists and related professionals to get known in the community and develop themselves and their relationships.

As you can see, filling your practice with the clients you’re meant to work with requires that you find a way to connect with your community and let them know, on a regular basis, that your practice exists, what services you offer—and how people can go about contacting you when they desire your services. This success formula for attracting new clients, filling your schedule, earning enough income, and having vacations, consists of raising awareness about your private practice in your community.

So, go ahead, announce your presence to the world and raise community awareness about your private practice. Be sure to keep me posted about your progress. I look forward to hearing about your success — and your vacation! 

Lynne Azpeitia, LMFT, AAMFT Approved Supervisor, is in private practice in Santa Monica where she works with Couples and Gifted, Talented, and Creative Adults across the lifespan. Lynne’s been doing business and clinical coaching with mental health professionals for more than 15 years, helping professionals develop even more successful careers and practices. To learn more about her in-person and online services, workshops or monthly no-cost Online Networking & Practice Development Lunch visit www.Gifted-Adults.com or www.LAPracticeDevelopment.com.

Therapists of Color (TOC) Grant Award Committee

LA-CAMFT's Therapists of Color Grant Award & Awardees

Marvin Whistler, Mediator, TOC Grant Award Committee Chair

On June 29, 2025, the most recent awardees of the LA-CAMFT TOC GRANT AWARD were randomly selected. They are Cassandra Butcher and Jacquelyn Perez.  Each will receive a check for $530, and free admission to 3 LA-CAMFT workshops or networking events with the exception of the Law & Ethics Workshop. The next cycle for the grant will begin on September 8, 2025.  It is limited to members of LA-CAMFT, and the award is limited to once per calendar year.  At the end of this article, there is an update on the impact that the award has had on awardees and their thoughts on its value.

Description of Grant Stipend

Every 4 months (3x per year), a grant award will be offered to two applicants who meet the following criteria: (1) must be a current LA-CAMFT member, (2) identify as a Therapist of Color, and (3) must be either an Associate, Trainee, or Student still in graduate school.

Grant winners will receive

• $530 to be spent at the winner’s discretion
• Free admission to 3 LA-CAMFT workshops or networking events of the winner’s choosing with the exception of the Law & Ethics Workshop.

The $530 award can be used at the recipient’s discretion based on their own individual needs (whether it be for BBS fees, testing materials, memberships, rent, groceries, etc.). Confirmation for the purpose that the money is used will not be required.

Application and Selection Process

Interested members can complete the application on the LA-CAMFT website. The selection process entails using a Randomized Generator of the applicants who met the full criteria and complete the application online to take out human bias and decrease activation of one's trauma history. The drawing will be recorded via Zoom and posted onto social media along with an announcement naming the grant winners, whom will also be contacted via email directly. Registration for the next award cycle will open on September 8, 2025 and will close on November 1, 2025. The drawing will take place on November 2, 2025.

Awardees' thoughts on the LA-CAMFT TOC Grant Award

IMPACT OF THE GRANT

"It was very helpful. I was poor when I was an AMFT."

"The grant was very impactful as it eased the burden of some of the costs associated with the MFT process (training and supplies, L&E study materials, etc.)! The grant provided relief and helped finances feel less constrained as a trainee and now Associate."

"I found the grant very helpful to me particularly during a time when I was in dire need of additional funding & support to help keep me on track for the future."

"The grant was very impactful for me, as it helped me to pay my final fees, associated with my graduate program, so that I could finish strong. Every little bit counts, so I am very grateful to have been able to use this money to help toward that end."

VALUE OF THE GRANT

"I just want to express my sincere gratitude to the TOC Grant committee for this program as it truly helps alleviate some of the systemic socioeconomic gaps in this field that passionate therapists of color such as myself have to navigate in our journeys to becoming competent licensed mental health clinicians."

"I appreciate that this grant exists and can be applied to very easily. The gesture is meaningful and I hope other TOC are taking advantage of it."

"It really touched me. SFV chapter started giving scholarships too. I think TOC Grant was a positive influence to the therapists community."

"One additional comment I’d like to make is that it is very helpful that we are able to use the grant money at our own discretion. Removing limitations is advantageous because life happens to us all, and in order for us to be able to do our work well, sometimes we need to be able to address other situations, financially, that may directly or indirectly impact our work." 

Best regards,

The LA-CAMFT TOC Grant Committee

Marvin Whistler, Mediator - bio?

LA-CAMFT Diversity Committee

presents

Black Therapist Support Group

Second Monday of Every Month

Next Meeting:
Monday, August 11, 2025
6:00 pm-7:30 pm (PT)

Online Via Zoom

A safe place for healing, connection, support and building community. In this group, licensed clinicians, associates and students can come together and process experiences of racism (systemic, social, and internalized), discrimination, implicit bias, and micro-aggressions, along with additional experiences that therapists of African descent encounter in the field of mental health. As the late great Maya Angelou once said, “As soon as healing takes place, go out and heal someone else.” May this space, be the support needed to facilitate that journey.

Open to LA-CAMFT Members and Non-Members

For more information, contact the Diversity Committee.

Event Details:

For: Licensed Therapists, Associates, and Students

When: Monday, August 11, 2025, 6:00 pm-7:30 pm (PT)
Time of Check-In: 5:50 pm

Where: Online Via Zoom (Upon registration for the presentation, you will receive a confirmation email that includes a link to our Zoom meeting.)

Cost: No charge

*Registration is open and available until the group begins.*

LA-CAMFT Diversity Committee
presents

Middle Eastern North African (MENA) Therapists Community Group

First Monday of Every Month

Next Meeting:
Monday, August 4, 2025
9:30am-10:30am

Online Via Zoom

Free Registration

The MENA Therapists Community Group is a safe place across the Middle Eastern and North African therapist diaspora to build community and a sense of belonging. We hold an inclusive space to process the impact of cultural biases experienced by people of MENA descent and the effect it may have on our work as mental health professionals. Within the process, we will strive to create healing, support, and empowerment. We will collaboratively exchange ideas, experiences and resources while acknowledging cultural differences and shared similarities. As the poet Khalil Gibran states — “The reality of the other person lies not in what he reveals to you, but what he cannot reveal to you.” — our community will create a place to be seen, heard, and understood.

Special Note: MENA Therapists Community Group meetings are intended as a place for MENA-identifying therapists to have a safe place amongst others in the same ethnic and cultural community to share and process their personal and professional experiences. Therapists from similar cultural backgrounds (e.g., South Asian, mixed identities that include MENA, etc.) are also welcome. If you are not MENA-identifying or from a similar cultural background and instead wish to join these meetings for the purpose of learning about the MENA population, we offer consultations separately. You are more than welcome to schedule a one-on-one consultation by emailing us.

Open to LA-CAMFT Members and Non-Members.

For more information, contact the facilitators at mena@lacamft.org.

Event Details:

For: Licensed Therapists, Associates, and Students

When: Monday, August 4, 2025 from 9:30am-10:30am

Where: Online Via Zoom (Upon registration for the presentation, you will receive a confirmation email that includes a link to our Zoom meeting.)

Cost: No charge

Facilitator(s): Perla and Susan

*Registration is open and available until the group begins.*

Guest Article

The Fine Art Of Delegating

Chellie Campbell, Financial Stress Reduction Expert

"Successful people think up things for the rest of the world to keep busy at." -Unknown

It was the time management session of the Financial Stress Reduction Workshop, and I had just explained how to prioritize activities: “A”: Most important tasks; “B”: Important task but can be delegated to someone else; and “C”: Unimportant task that anyone can do.

Cindy spoke up then. Kind and generous to a fault, She was a successful businesswoman owning two stores with thirteen employees. But she complained that there wasn’t time to get everything done. She’d love to send out more ships, but she “just didn’t have time.”

You must know by now that this excuse is useless. Everyone has the same twenty-four hours in their day. I thought for a moment, then asked her to describe a typical day. This was her list, which I wrote on the blackboard:

1. Open the store
2. Listen to phone messages
3. Talk to employees or customers
4. Return phone calls
5. Go through mail
6. Prepare bank deposits
7. Go to the bank
8. Prepare bids
9. Make sales calls
10. Attend networking meetings

The biggest problem business owners—and mothers!—have is that they are so good at everything, they have a problem delegating tasks to other people. They want to know everything that’s going on, have every detail carried out perfectly, and be in charge of the whole show. This works well when a business (or family) is small—and there’s only one person or two people involved. The minute you add a third person, however, the prime mover has to delegate.

I asked the class to help prioritize each one of Cindy’s tasks in order. Open the store was definitely a “C” as was listening to phone messages—anyone could do that. Other “C” tasks were: Go through mail, prepare bank deposits, and go to the bank. We determined that talking with employees was an “A” in some cases, “Bs” and “Cs” in others, as was talking with customers. We delegated half of Cindy’s daily tasks to her employees, which freed up her time for the “A” priorities: Prepare bids, make sales calls, and attend networking meetings. In the next few months, Cindy created a lot more income in her business by focusing on obtaining new customers and delegating everything else.

For all you mothers reading this, I suggest you realize you are the president of your home corporation. You need to decide where your priorities lie, and delegate a lot of tasks to your vice president (husband) and employees (children.) The tasks you delegate may not be done perfectly, but they’ll be done well enough. And you will have so much more time and energy for the fun things your family wants to do, it will be worth having a few crumbs left on the floor or a kitchen sink that isn’t spotless. Give up perfection and put everyone around you to work!

Today’s Affirmation: “I take time to be happy and to know that I am.”

Missed Opportunities are Like Missed Buses—There’ll Be Another One in 5 Minutes

Even our friend Thomas Edison wasn’t right about everything. He also invented the phonograph. Of that invention, he said, “The phonograph is of no commercial value.” Given the billions of dollars generated in the music industry now, I bet he’s rockin’ and rollin’ in his grave over that mistake.

Here’s another missed investment opportunity:

Walt Disney was passionate about his goal of creating Disneyland. Big dreams require big money, and he was looking for investors in his company. One potential investor’s account told of how Walt took him out to the site in Anaheim where Disneyland was just beginning to be built. As the tractors rolled, and dirt was dug, Walt spoke of his vision of the park. He described the different sections: Main Street with horse-drawn carriages, Tomorrowland with its rocket to the moon, Adventureland with a shooting gallery and Golden Horseshoe Revue, Fantasyland with Sleeping Beauty’s castle. The investor thought it all sounded too risky. He passed. He didn’t invest in Disneyland. He kept his ships safe at the dock. Family – Mom & Daughters at Disneyland (60s)

Later, when Disneyland became a smashing success, the investor calculated that every step he had taken that day back to his waiting car had cost him a million dollars.

People are wrong all the time. The soap opera Santa Barbara deemed Julia Roberts “dull.” Sharon Stone was rejected by General Hospital and As the World Turns nixed Hugh Grant. Mike Medavoy, one of Hollywood’s super agents, told a young Steven Spielberg his career was “doomed” and passed him off to another agent. Cary Grant and Jeanette MacDonald did a screen test for Fox, but were turned down with this explanation, “We feel neither of these people has a screen personality.”

Let me give you a tip: Pay attention along the way. The goal you’re here to get might not be the goal you think you’re here to get. I set out to be an actor but turned left and ended up a speaker and author. Christopher Columbus headed for the West Indies in the right direction—he just didn’t know there was a New World in between.

Be passionate, follow your North Star, and the worst that can happen is you live a life full of great adventures. It’s all good.

Chellie Campbell, Financial Stress Reduction Expert, is the author of bestselling books The Wealthy Spirit, Zero to Zillionaire, and From Worry to Wealthy: A Woman’s Guide to Financial Success Without the Stress. She has been treating Money Disorders like Spending Bulimia and Income Anorexia in her Financial Stress Reduction® Workshops for over 25 years and is still speaking, writing, and teaching workshops—now as Zoom classes and The Wealthy Spirit Group on Facebook—with participants from all over the world. Website: www.chellie.com.

LA-CAMFT Diversity Committee

presents

White Therapists Fighting Racism (WTFR)

Third Sunday of Every Month

Next Meeting:
Sunday, August 17, 2025
3:00pm-5:00pm (PT)

Online Via Zoom

The goal of White Therapists Fighting Racism (WTFR) is for white-identified therapists to become effective allies in support of decolonization and racial justice in our clinical practice, therapy association, and community. Recognizing that racism is maintained when whiteness is invisible to white people, WTFR provides a forum for white-identified therapists to explore what it means to be white. While this process includes learning about structural racism and deconstructing the false narrative about race, a primary focus in the group is on doing inner work.

How Do I Join? To join this group, please click here to complete our online submission form. Once submitted, a group facilitator will reach out to you for next steps.

Open to LA-CAMFT Members and Non-Members.

For more information or if you have additional questions, please send all inquiries to the facilitators at WTFR@lacamft.org.

Event Details:

For: Licensed Therapists, Associates, and Students

When: Sunday, August 17, 2025 from 3:00pm-5:00pm (PT)

Where: Online Via Zoom (Once you complete the online submission process, you will be emailed a monthly Zoom link.)

Cost: No charge

Facilitator(s): Estelle, Randi, and Hazel

Member Article

Outgrowing Relationships: A Quiet Celebration of Self

Joanna Poppink, LMFT

Outgrowing relationships brings us to a need for courageous and honest reflection. We often hear: “It’s okay to let go of those who couldn’t love you.” But what makes that okay? For many women—especially those raised to put others first—the idea of outgrowing people they once tried to please feels like betrayal, abandonment, or failure.

But what if your letting go isn’t an act of rejection, but one of truth?

What if you’re not discarding anyone, but reclaiming yourself?

This shift in perspective is not merely intellectual—it’s rooted in emotional repair, moral clarity, and cultural awakening. It reflects a return to inner authority.

Letting Go Isn’t Cold. It’s Clarifying.

Many of us have been taught that loyalty means staying—no matter the cost. We were conditioned to normalize emotional neglect, tolerate mistreatment, or explain away why someone couldn’t love us the way we needed.

But from a psychotherapeutic perspective, letting go is often essential for healing. Staying in a relationship where love is consistently absent or unsafe reinforces internalized beliefs that you’re the problem, that you’re too much, or not enough. These are not harmless assumptions. They shape the core of how you live and love. The idea that you have outgrown the relationship doesn't occur to you.

The act of letting go, then, becomes an act of psychic self-preservation. It's not selfish. It’s necessary.

Depth psychotherapy supports this process as part of what Jung called individuation—the slow and courageous journey into the self. As you begin to listen to your own emotional truth, you naturally outgrow dynamics that ask you to stay silent, compliant, or emotionally invisible.

Outgrowing Relationships Isn’t Abandonment. It’s Evolution.

Some people didn’t know how to love you—not because you were unlovable, but because they couldn’t meet you where you were. Others didn’t even try. When you stop waiting for someone to become who they’re not, you interrupt a painful loop: the endless longing to be seen by someone unwilling or unable to see you.

Moral clarity supports this shift. Prioritizing your well-being is not a betrayal of others. It’s a rebalancing of dignity. The morality we were taught—especially as women—often equated goodness with self-sacrifice. But true ethical living includes compassion for yourself. It includes the courage to stop participating in relationships that require your diminishment.

Staying small does not serve you.

And it doesn't serve them, either.

When you choose to grow beyond a harmful dynamic, you’re not rejecting the person—you’re refusing to reject yourself.

What Fills the Space When You Stop Trying to Be Loved?

When you recognize that you are outgrowing your relationships, at first, what arises may be grief.

Then silence.

Then, something unexpected—relief.

And with that relief, space.

Into that space, something sacred can emerge: self-love. Not just the self-care rituals that we associate with wellness culture, but the deeper, more honest kind—born from treating your own soul as worthy.

Psychologically, this is what healing requires: room to become real.

This kind of growth means speaking more kindly to yourself.

It means choosing people who meet you with reciprocity.

It means no longer twisting yourself into someone else's version of lovable.

It means belonging to yourself first.

Outgrowing Relationships: Why It's More Than Okay to Leave—It's Necessary

From a cultural perspective, the permission to walk away from harmful ties is relatively new. Earlier generations were expected to maintain appearances, uphold family loyalty, and endure mistreatment in silence. But today, we are part of a cultural awakening—one that names emotional abuse, honors trauma healing, and redefines what it means to be “a good woman.”

You are no longer obligated to carry someone else’s emotional limitations.

You are allowed to leave the space where your love went unreceived.

You are entitled to grow, even if it means growing beyond them.

Letting go is not failure.

It’s an expression of emotional integrity.

It’s an act of moral courage.

It’s a step toward cultural maturity.

And it is absolutely okay.

A Quiet Celebration

Outgrowing people who couldn’t love you isn’t about triumph. It’s about truth. It’s about saying: I am no longer willing to disappear inside a relationship. You’re not being disloyal. You’re being faithful to your own becoming.

This isn’t a loud celebration. It’s a quiet honoring.

It might look like lighting a candle at your kitchen table, whispering a thank-you to the part of you that stayed alive inside.

It might be a silent walk under trees, where you feel your own breath and say, Yes, I’mstill here.

It might be a new beginning in psychotherapy, where—for the first time—you stop fighting for someone else's love and start claiming your own.

You are growing into you.

That is more than okay.

That is worth celebrating.

Reflection Questions:

• Who have you held on to out of guilt, fear, or obligation?
• What parts of yourself were silenced in that dynamic?
• What belief tells you that letting go is wrong?
• What becomes possible when you allow yourself to grow?

Joanna Poppink, LMFT, psychotherapist, speaker, and author of Healing Your Hungry Heart: Recovering from Your Eating Disorder, is in private practice and specializes in Eating Disorder Recovery for adult women and with an emphasis on building a fulfilling life beyond recovery. She is licensed in California, Florida, Oregon, and Utah. All appointments are virtual. Website: EatingDisorderRecovery.net

Member Article

Should I Choose Mediation or Litigation? Here’s How to Decide

Steven Unruh, MDiv, LMFT

The day the papers were served, everything changed. You stood in the middle of your kitchen holding a legal document, not just with a thousand questions but with one big one: What happens now? You know divorce is ahead. But the process? That part feels overwhelming. You’ve heard of mediation. You’ve heard of litigation. One sounds like war; the other, like a mystery. How do you know which path is right?

The Real Problem Most People Miss

Divorce isn’t just a legal matter—it’s a storm that touches every part of your life.

There’s the external chaos: paperwork, court dates, legal fees, and a process that can feel overwhelming and out of your control. It’s not just complicated—it’s exhausting.

Then there’s the internal struggle. You’re navigating fear, grief, and uncertainty all at once. Questions swirl: Will I be okay financially? How will this affect the kids? What if I get steamrolled in court? The emotional weight can feel heavier than anything the legal system puts in front of you.

And deep down, there’s a philosophical tension—a sense that something this personal shouldn’t be turned into a battle. It feels wrong that your family’s future could be decided by lawyers in a courtroom instead of through thoughtful, collaborative conversation.

But here’s the truth: it doesn’t have to be this way. There is another path.

There Is a Better Way

I’ve spent over 30 years helping couples navigate divorce with dignity, compassion, and clarity. As a licensed therapist and divorce mediator, I’ve seen firsthand what happens when people feel supported instead of attacked—and empowered instead of drained.

Here’s how to decide if mediation is the right path for you.

1. Understand the Key Difference: Conflict vs. Collaboration

Litigation is an adversarial process by design. Each party hires an attorney, builds a case, and goes to court to “win.”

Mediation is a collaborative process. Instead of fighting over what each party wants, you work with a trained mediator who helps both parties reach a mutually agreeable resolution.

If you want more control over the outcome and less hostility, mediation is likely the better fit.

2. Consider the Financial Impact

As mentioned above, litigation can cost tens of thousands of dollars per person. Fees stack up quickly with attorneys, court appearances, delays, and administrative costs.

Mediation, by contrast, often costs 60–80% less than litigation, according to the American Bar Association. It’s typically charged hourly and often requires fewer sessions.

If you’re concerned about finances—both now and long-term—mediation can help you preserve resources instead of draining them.

3. Think About Your Kids

If you have children, the stakes are even higher. Litigation can be toxic for co-parenting relationships, introducing years of tension and distrust.

Mediation centers around constructive communication. Many mediators, including myself, help parents develop co-parenting plans that prioritize the children’s well-being and reduce long-term conflict.

If protecting your children’s emotional health is a top priority, mediation supports that goal better than court battles do.

4. Evaluate the Emotional Toll

Litigation is often a slow, emotionally grueling process. Court appearances, attorney arguments, and drawn-out timelines can escalate anger and anxiety.

Mediation encourages calm, structured dialogue in a private setting. It helps you move forward faster, and with far less emotional damage.

If you’re already feeling emotionally drained, mediation offers a more humane alternative to litigation.

5. Ask Yourself What Kind of Closure You Want

Court rulings rarely provide emotional closure. They settle disputes, but they don’t heal wounds.

Mediation helps couples gain clarity, feel heard, and walk away with understandinginstead of just a judgment.

If you want peace of mind, not just a piece of paper, mediation helps bring closure with compassion.

But What If My Situation Feels Too Complicated?

You might be thinking, “This sounds great—but not for my situation. My spouse is difficult. There’s too much conflict.”

That’s a common concern. But mediation doesn’t require that you agree on everything—just that you’re both willing to try. A skilled mediator helps de-escalate tension, bring structure to chaos, and clarify even the messiest disagreements.

Mediation isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being productive.

Take the First Step Toward Clarity

You don’t have to step into a courtroom to find resolution. You can take control of your future, protect your emotional well-being, and prioritize what matters most—without the high cost of conflict.

Because you deserve more than just a legal outcome.

You deserve clarity, dignity, and a fresh start.

Steven Unruh, MA, MDiv, is a Divorce Mediator and LMFT. He and his team at Unruh Mediation complete the entire divorce process, including all assets, pensions, properties, alimony and child support—along with all required documentation. Unruh Mediation files in 13 different courthouses throughout Southern California. Website: stevenunruh.com.